So, here’s the thing. I’ve been angry. Really angry. When my pastor failed and disappeared nearly two months ago, it upset a part of my life that was seemingly solid for almost 20 years. My lowercase-C church is different now, and it will never, ever be the same.
I’m still not sure how to write about it. Nothing that flows from my fingers seems fair right now. It’s all too undone, still a little heated and unrelentingly honest. I’m still trying to figure out what it means to be angry and not sin. I don’t know how to be upset without becoming bitter. I don’t know the line between feeling and releasing what’s inside of me, and digging to expose nerves that should remain untouched.
Last night, I was writing a letter to God. I do that sometimes when I’m not sure what else to do. I told Him how I loved Him so much but was afraid of my anger. I told Him I was afraid my anger would turn to bitterness, and my bitterness would separate me from Him. And right as the words passed through my mind, He spoke to me.
“Nothing can separate you from My love, Shane. Nothing.”
And then I remembered He was already there with me, right in the middle of my anger. I realized my anger would turn to bitterness only if I chose to shut God out, because He would never shut me out.
It’s okay to be angry. Our God is big enough to handle it and to hold us in it. He isn’t afraid of our questions and He doesn’t shy away from our grief. He sits with us and weeps with us and comforts us.
It’s hard — it really, really is — but He is with me. Always, always, He is with me.
And I’m not going to be angry forever.